Self-Worth

I’ve had my fair share of self-worth evaluations, maybe more than I should have, but all in good faith I’m a deep thinker and I can get carried away with my own thoughts of what I think my life should be. Unfortunately for many of us pain, trauma, etc. are buried deep down underneath the surface and linger longer than they should. For me, I came up with an ingenious idea, I wasn’t going to address any of those burdensome thoughts (worst idea ever by the way). The way I pictured it was if I avoided digging deep into those cobwebs I’d be able to get through on my own, and that was the furthest thing from the truth.

Problemo numero uno, a lot of my self-worth was conditional upon achieving, recognition, unrealistic expectations,  and being way too hard on myself (does any of this sound familiar? If so STOP doing that!). Insecurities that were never tackled as a youth were expressing themselves in other ways as I grew as an adult, and that was not going to blend very well with learning how to manage a chronic disease.

Without warning, I fell ill. Within a month or two I had lost drastic weight, almost 20lbs. I suffered from extreme thirst, and was not feeling like myself. After repeat hospital visits to the emergency room, I was soon diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes (I’m giving you the very short version for now). It was one of, if not the, most earth shattering day[s] of my life. I was going to be medically discharged from the military shortly after, and little did I know, I would fall into some serious depression.

Timing could not have been worse. I was handed a paper bag with my new diabetes medication and a referral slip to see an endocrinologist (an endo-what?!). Just like that, I was officially a Type 1 Diabetic at the tender age of 22. What was happening was completely out of control and I had to get my health under control and fast! I couldn’t wait for some miraculous event to happen in my life to cheer me up and give me life. I couldn’t place that weight on anyone else’s shoulders. This one was on me; and for all of those fast years of reckless abandonment, I needed God more than ever—my Savior.

Now at the time, it felt like the sky was falling right on top of my head. I was blessed to have the support of my husband who worked hard with my endocrinologist and dietitian to help me stick to a regimen that would get me back on track; but I was stubborn and extremely difficult to work with. I was flat out angry and felt so damn sorry for myself. Coping skills were nonexistent, and I earned myself the biggest crybaby award. Remember when I told you about those “things” buried deep down inside, well those “things” were coming up to the surface without any regard as to who or what was in the way.

One of the most difficult lessons that I had to learn was to disregard my expectations of what I believed my life was to become. Clearly life had something else in mind for me, and that was okay, I just had to get in line.

Not that I had to submit to my new diagnosis, it was humbling, and God was reshaping me from within a way unlike what I had in mind.

With each prick of the finger, multiple daily injections of insulin, and learning how to be a mathematician in order to eat; I began to see what God had for me in all of this despite my condition. My relationships with several people changed. The way in which I ate had to change for the rest of my life, especially if I had any plans on living a long life. I can go on and on about the multiple lifestyle changes that developed over the years, but without the recognition of what was lacking in my life (God), I truly believe I would have sunken into a darker place.

I was encouraged to write this for that person who hasn’t gotten that diagnosis or devastating news and is blindly living their life without God’s guidance. Don’t waste another minute of your life handicapping yourself by not addressing what is buried within, they are there for a reason and have a place. Those things that hurt you, concern you, change you...whatever “that” is, it is going to reveal itself one day. What I don’t want for you, is to have those things erupt without being on your terms. You may not be able to control the inevitable, but you can control what defines your self-worth.

In my case, I’m not particularly sure if my hard-headed self would have learned this any other way, but it’s no coincidence what God has done. All of those years spent omitting Him just to do as I please, shaping my resume instead of my spirituality, hitting the scene; I’m blessed I was able to see the day I was diagnosed, let alone today. You see, if God had not slowed me down, humbled me, and reveal to me the good bad and ugly, I’m absolutely sure I would be far more disappointed with my life. So no, I wouldn’t honestly change a thing.

I still have Type 1 Diabetes and I’m fine with that, it doesn’t have me (cliche but true). Yes some days are better than others, but that talk about trusting God to handle it all—yeah that really works. The more you work those spiritual muscles, what seems like the end of the world, will instead feel more weightless as trials come. And they will come.

God handles all things effortlessly, let Him do as such, no need to complicate things. Your self-worth is a beautiful reflection of what He made you to be, not by what happens to you.

Be Blessed!

-Jenn